Well, I can write.
That’s probably the most important thing I can do. I’ve silenced myself so I
could stay out of trouble. Perhaps, though, it is time to speak honestly. I’ve
hidden things so long, and hiding is detrimental to my health.
I’ve
just done something wonderful for myself. Our new administrator got a
phone call from a mom making wild accusations against me. I just sent a strongly worded rebuttal.
In my closing, I explain that I have a detailed history ready to file should I
ever hear of this again. I’m defending myself. This is very, very good. I
deserve it.
For many years I would cry whenever some innocent character was
defended by another. I finally realized that this related to my childhood, when
I stood constantly accused for actions I had deemed both good and right. (They
violated the cardinal rule in our household: be shaped by those older. After
all, if I have no “self," expressing a personality or proclivity
they dislike must be the grossest form of rebellion.) Anyway, I’ve moved so far
past my old shame that I’ve actually defended myself. It’s a huge and entirely positive
step for me.
So,
what is the self I need to keep track of, to re-member? It’s the writer. That
is my true self, and I have neglected her for far too long.
I am a writer: intelligent, empathic, honest, humble, who,
in honoring herself, reveals truths that lie hidden in all our hearts. I no
longer need to hide lest I offend a parent or administrator. I am free. (Now,
if I can just cling to that freedom!) – Ah! see how my language suggests
weakness. “cling” is a weak word. I should embrace freedom. That’s more like
it. EMBRACE FREEDOM!
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